Browse Professor Quotes

I'll tell all of you visitors who just walked in what I told the others: sit near the door, because five minutes of this stuff [Thermodynamics] and you'll want to leave.
—Professor Sawyers (ME 104 Thermodynamics I)
Did you ever fart under the covers and smell it? Nah i didn't either

Ed Evenson EES
—unknown Lehigh professor
Money is the lubricant of society.
—Prof. J. R. Aronson, Economics
You all may work at internet speed, but I do not, I work at the speed of turning pages in a book.
—Professor Litt, Marketing 76 Professor
Of course if you hadn't had sex in thirty-six years you'd be a little angry too.
—Prof. Duffy (Hist 159) Explaining why Robespierre was a bloodthirsty radical during the French Revolution.
I am confused, are you?
—Prof. Bruce Dodson in Math 243 after writing nonsense on the board
After 11 minutes, I'll come up there and grab you.
—Professor Glenn Blank, Csc332
It takes a tremendous thrust to get it up
—Professor Norian, ECE-081 describing space shuttle launch
There better not be the date rape drug in here, GHB or whatever. I don't want anybody taking advantage of me.
—Prof. Maskulka in Advertising class, after he poured a cup of coffee, which a group that was making a presentation had brought in
I'm having trouble getting it up this morning
—Porf. Maskulka, Mktg 313 in reference to the PowerPoint Presentation
The Greeks found that the male sex organ was funny looking with lots of comic possibilities. They get smaller. They get bigger. Some are oddly shaped. They emit things.
—Professor Bloom - Theatre 127
What's the probability that Mary will get more head than John? ....I don't get it, what's so funny?
—Ms. Shapira - Stats 012 Trying as best she can to explain the probability of coin flipping. Later she started adding an "s" to the end of head.
Some Europeans actually believed if they came to America their dicks would shrink. Would you come here if you thought your dick was going to shrink?
—Professor Matthews, during his freshman seminar "American Political Thought: The Dream and the Nightmare"
...What you can explain on the back of a napkin after two martinis.
—Dr. Zimmers, IE 154, Describing what material was going to be on the midterm.
What do I always say? When in doubt, pull out!
—Professor Bayak, Accounting 151
Marketing is like a big turd falling from the sky.
—Dale "Fatch" Falcinelli, Marketing Prof, 1st lecture of the semester
When you see the reds of my eyes, the throbbing vein in my forehead, my shaking body . . . that means give it to me!
—Paul Chou, conductor of the Lehigh Philharmonic Orchestra, on expression in a piece of music.
What if we were stupid and went to Lafayette. We woudn't be able to solve this problem
—Proffesor Storer, IE 305
Young man, when I came to Lehigh I was a liberal just like you. But I got better, and you can too.
—Prof. Amidon, Urban Studies 75 "Culture Wars"
The doc asked me If I had a year to live, what would I do? I said, Spend it with my wife. I know it will be the longest of my life.
—Rich Titus, Managment 280
Ballistic missiles work great on slow moving objects, like continents.
—Jeffery Moore, IE 226 on Active Management.
The Iliad and the Odyssey were written somewhere in the neighborhood of a shitload of years ago
—Professor Mendelson Philosophy 90
It gonna come to the point where people will be blowing coke and they'll just say 'Its OK I had Subway for lunch'
—Professor Melone, Law 201
What if Larry Flynt bought the rights to Disney movies? He would probably produce something like Mickey does Minney 12 Different Ways, and although it would probably be a good movie, I'm sure Disney wouldn't appreciate it.
—Professor Steven Thode, discussing options buying in corporate finance.
You can always retake a class, but you can't relieve a missed party
—Dr. Bob Trent, Integrated Logistics and Transportation Management, SCM 354
That's right I forgot you like to drink on Thursdays as well, and then have sex or do whatever it is that you do.
—Prof. Varley, MECH 102
...and as the neighbor's child replies you simply smile benignly while all you really want to do is gut the little fucker like fish...
—Professor Mendelson, Philosophy 135, speaking metaphorically, of course...
I can tell you to not do drugs or not harm your bodies by jumping out of windows thinking you're superheroes, but i cannot tell you not to reproduce, even though i'd really kind of like to.
—Prof. Raposa, rel. 154, when discussing Freud and childbirth.
Players on various teams referred to her as FM......the fuck machine.
—Professor Amigdon in US 75 referring to a Lehigh girl from the early 90s who got around.
The only use that I can find for the 'patch' is if I can roll it up and smoke it. I'm at the point were I'm just going to stick them all over my body!
—Prof. Moon - IR 74
There were three groups of people who couldn't vote in Athenian democracy: women, slaves, and idiots...hard to tell them apart.
—Professor Krawiec, Bios 251: Writing and the Biological Sciences
Goats are horny. Goats want to have sex with poles and whatever.
—Professor Bloom - Theatre 127 - talking about satyrs.
You shouldn't believe everything you hear, and the real elixir of life is beer.
—Professor Walker, ME 304: Thermodynamics II. These were his last words of advice to us.
Is it shakin like a dog shitting a peach stone?
—Prof. Evenson EES 011, explaining the magnitude measurements for earthquakes
I feel a little bit like the kid who thought he was going to have a snow day - but the snow never came...
—Professor Snyder on why he did not have any slides prepared for class.
All of Earth's creatures exhibit the 4 F's:
Feeding, Fleeing, Fighting, & Mating
—Professor Levine, COGS 7
That's like getting 9 women pregnant and expecting a baby in a month!
—Professor "K"
You want to know where all the nuclear waste is being stored? I'll tell you. New Jersey
—Professor Gunter, Money and Banking
Let's look at the economy of The Hill. We have three products that we will consider: beer, ping pong balls and plastic cups. Now, ...
—Prof. Comstock, Eco 1 in Fall 99, explaining the price index
4 people in here think the world is ending...why aren't you out drinking??
—Prof. Gunter in Eco 129
I have to find a way to motivate you out of your fartsacks to listen to me pontificate about Geology.
—Prof. Ed Evenson, Geomorphology, on pop quizzes in a 7:55 lecture
You see, Lehigh is really good at convincing people that they don’t really want to be engineers.
-Prof. Tom Hyclak, Econ.1
—Prof. Tom Hyclak, Econ.1
I am not racist. I am an equal opportunity insultor.
—prof. Evenson EES011
I have nothing against Foodlane; it has that whole 3rd World quality to it.
—Professor Smith, History 007: The Machine in America
My company screws better
—Professor Dale Falcinelli describing an industrial company should differntiate itself
The grass is always greener over the septic system.
—Professor Evenson, EES 011: Environmental Geology
I'm making this up as I go along, so it might not make any sense when I'm done. Sorry.
—Prof. Cundall, genetics
You're such a tool!
—Prof. Lucas, ME-10, to a student during lab
If your boyfriend wrote this poem, would you think he's trying to say 'let's fuck?
—Professor Pete Beidler on Freneau's "The Wild Honey Suckle"
how many marketing majors does it take to screw in a light bulb? one, and she gets 3 credits for it.
—some accounting professor
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? Their last big hit was The Wall.
—Keith Schray, Organic Chemistry (Chem 51) Professor
You're all familiar with MagLites right...? There the long flashlights that police beat my clients with...
—Professor McCormick Law 201
That guy's the pimp, and those are all the hoes
—Dr. John Gatewood, Anth-001, Explaining a chart showing how polygmous husbands in French Polynesia 'Marry off' their wives for economic gain
Don't forget to bring the wood to class next time.. we didn't get to use the wood enough today so don't forget to bring the wood next time.
—- Professor Doty, English 387
Professor Jia: so how many of you guys are taking this class b/c you want to?
(no one raises their hand)
Professor Jia: and how many of you are taking it b/c you need it for your degree?
(everyone raises their hand)
Professor Jia: well then we have something in common; I don't want to be here and you don't want to be here....I really don't like teaching this class...the department makes me...
—Professor Jia; Chem 205
In this class we have ample help available to you. There are three TA's and two AT's. This is mainly because this is a difficult course and I do not teach it very well. So basically, I need all the help I can get.
—Prof. Richter, Psych/Bios 110
If you can't see that there's something going on here you must not have a soul.
—Prof. Bob Folk Physics 21
if you can't sleep at night just grab my book and start reading. I assure you it'll put you to sleep.'
—Prof. Mike Groover, IE dept.
-Life is long.
-Life is confusing.
-Grades don't matter, hell, I don't know why we torture you with these tests!
-Oh, and in a couple of years, they will use your GPA and calculate it with divorce rates.
—Prof. Larsen:Chem21
Maybe it's just because I'm such a great fucking teacher...
—Dr. John B. Gatewood, Anthropology 1, on how high the test scores were.
If you're still having a hard time finding the text in the bookstore, just try to hook up with someone else in the class and get it that way.
—Julie Roe ENG 001
Why? Because I'm a mean son of a bitch.
—Prof. Kay CSc 17
What is with the pic-of-the-week on the jolt? I really want to shave that guy's eye.
—in reference to the pic of the week
I know this seems artificial as hell, but just bear with me.
—Professor Gunter teaching Eco 01
We are obviously aware of his downfalls and his inability to keep it in his pants.
—Professor Pettegrew of Hist 43 on President Clinton
There's always a pain in the ass in the class, and you happen to be it.
—Trying to schedule a review session. Professor Levy, ME104 Thermodynamics I.
Why the doesn't this statistic work?...the answer is because Mother Nature is a bitch!
—Professor Louis Plebani after students could not give him the right answer to his question
This mindless, immature, pathetic excuse for a student might have been acceptable in high school, but this bullshit isn't going to fly here!!
—Prof. Thomas, ECO 115...raging because this clueless girl couldn't answer a simple question, the third such incedent with the same girl this semester.
When I was first learning about the squeeze theorem in college my friends and I would smoke up and look at the pictures...it was just like wow, the squeeze theorem is so cool.
—Math 75 professor
Sometime ago a female student approached her TA and said,

'I am failing this class, and if I don't have a 3.5 I won't make it to Med school. I'll do anything for an A in this class'

the TA responded,

'You can start studying for the test.'
—"Hann", Chem 21 TA, Fall 97
There's Old Faithful and here's a Budweiser for scale
—Ed Evensen Geology Professor
I don't like terms like good and bad...they're bad.
—"Professor" Ernst, Acct 108
Now that's the most stupid and incoherent answer I've ever heard anybody say in my class.
—Professor Louis Plebanni, IE 121, Spring '98
I really don't understand the Japanese recession. I mean... with eyes like that, you could blindfold them with dental floss.
—Professor Carolin Schellhorn: Financial Flows and Markets, FIN 332
And if you don't listen to what I am saying right now, you're gonna get screwed
—Professor Richard Roberts, illustrating bevel gears to his junior mechanical engineering class
Now Alex, you and I have seen each other too many times in this class for the past 2 years.
—Prof. Groover, IE131, Spring 1998
One day Ted Turner was smoking some loco weed and decided he wanted to buy CBS
—Stephen Thode, Fin 328, Mergers and Acquisitions
I remember, actually I don't remember those days too well when I was always smoking marijuana
—Jazz History Teacher
Regla in Spanish can mean two things: a ruler or a woman's period. Any questions about that?
—Prof. Linda Lefkowitz, Advanced Spanish.
I had thought of using beer and other substances to do a tax analysis based on Lehigh student's preferences, but considering the new rules, let's just stick to popcorn and sodas, or even better generic X and Y products.
—Lolita, ECO/FIN 354 TA on tax analysis.
It is not like we (the professors) sit around and figure out ways to screw you..it is just murphy's law that you get screwed.
—Professor Richard Roberts (ME-252), as he comments on students who approached him complaining about how many projects they have to do.
Here's a picture of bear shit, with a 44 magnum for scale.
—Ed Evenson during a geology lecture.
There are two types of losers in this world, winning losers, and lossing losers, and you boy, are a losing loser.
—High School Religion teacher
We're Economists, not Engineers, we don't need right answers.
—Professor Frank Gunter, Economics 001
Well, Amit, that's good, but I wanted the American pronounciation.

Professor Kraihanzel, Chem 076, Spring 1996
—...on an Indian student's incorrect pronounciation of the term "acetic acid"...
This room (Packard 101) will not do. I cannot teach without getting chalk in my eyes.
—Professor Wagh